Working out the me in me...

If you are looking for "fluff" stop right here.... getting serious for today. If you don't wanna, that's ok, I will see you on another day! ;P

There is a song by Casting Crowns called Stained Glass Masquerade. If you don't know it, it talks a little about how we as Christians put on our "church faces" often hiding what we are really going through. Like we can't really show ourselves to each other. We are asked how we are doing and often just say "good". There is a verse that says "but would it set me free if I dared to let you see the truth behind the person you imagine me to be?" This is where it feels I am finding myself. Unsure of who I am, not prepared for how I feel, and completely unsure of who I can share my feelings with. Who will accept the real me, when I finally find her? I am going through so many unexpected emotions. Some of them I have kept to myself for a long time, and am still surprised how raw they can be. Some of them are new and happening just because of life's changes, but that doesn't necessarily make them easier to know that . I am realizing more than ever how I close myself off from other people. Never sharing the trials and challenges that make up Leigh. I find I am lacking the real close relationships... the.... you can say anything, it won't go any further.... I can't wait to tell you about this...remember when ....friendships that I so long for. I am finding myself lonely I guess. Now, I do have Al, this is not a knock on him.... and I do have Jesus, and believe me I have done my share of crying out to Him.... but don't your girlfriends fill a different spot than either... I feel almost embarrassed with that thought because I truly believe Jesus is all sufficient, so then I think, how can I be feeling this way? There have been friends in my life where I have gotten close to that... but again, I am the guarded one.... I don't want to be that way anymore. I want to deepen all of my relationships.... hence, all my song postings on facebook... at least music is my constant(I don't know how I would function without that lol). I want that friend I can say... listen I am having trouble with this right now....... to. Friends that I could say "what are you doing, wanna hang".... yes 52 year olds still like to hang.... but most of all I miss the memories friends give you... it feels like I haven't made any of those in a while... I don't know what God is doing inside of me... it does feel like chaos..... Please don't get me wrong... I have joy and tons I do love about where I am right now, I am just trying to be "real" about my feelings.... this is my first attempt at "putting myself out there" not hiding behind that mask anymore. I hope this didn't come off as a pity party... that is why I rarely let this stuff out.... but I want to be honest, to you and to myself..... maybe this blog can help me get there.....

Dancing?

Ok, so my kids got me Just Dance for Mother's Day! I have played it a few times... I am not so sure that what I am really doing is dancing, however, it is getting me up on my feet... arms moving... booty shakin'.... feet slidin'.... and NO, I don't wanna see what I look like..... I just pretend I look like the dancer on the screen. I can take some comfort in the fact that I have beat Tommy both times we played.... a fact he is not at all happy with, but let's face it..... it is probably the only physical activity I can beat him in... at least for the time being. I am sure the more he plays the better he will get.... as for me, I may be at the top of my game already.... lol. I just like to think, maybe, just maybe, it can get me ready for zumba.... I do have to say, I know why the doctor called my "de-conditioned"..... time to re-condition.... hmmmm, re-conditioning.... that could be a whole blog topic in and of itself....

you know this song... Whatever You're Doing(Something Heavenly) this is where I find myself...hope you enjoy the ride with me!

http://youtu.be/XfZ3THjUcs0

"It's time for healing time to move on

It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly

whatever You're doing inside of me,

it feels like chaos but now I can see

This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out

"Once our eyes are opened, we can't pretend we don't know what to do. God, who weighs our hearts and keeps our souls, knows what we know, and holds us responsible to act."
Prov. 24:12

http://aplacecalledsimplicity.blogspot.com/

Came across this blog today thanks to my Compassion friend Michelle, who is an advocate as well. This blog has nothing to do with Compassion, but todays post titled Who Cares? really touched my heart. I do not know this person, but I think I will visit her blog often. I have been increasingly aware, probably due to my involvement with Compassion, of the needs of the children of the world. Children outside of this country, children who are poor, hungry, uneducated, helpless to change their position and if left alone unlikely to escape the hopelessness of poverty. What ever I have already done, I can do more..... however many children I have helped, I can help more...... I stand utterly ashamed at how often I allow myself to "wish" I had this or that.... never thinking that there are some that have soooo little, they just hope for one meal that day.... or maybe a second set of clothes.... or even a nights sleep without listening for the buzz of disease waiting to bite..... oh, I could do so much more..... my prayer is that I will..... and God won't leave me alone until I do.... The author of this newly found blog has much to teach me......

How on earth do you choose?

I am finding out that the most difficult part about blogging is topic choice. There are just so many options! From the nonsensical fluff to the extremely topical, I find myself thinking about all these possibilities and getting bogged down in decisions. Maybe once I get good and started this will become easier... there is time for all topics, and I don't have to feel that is I don't do this one today, it is lost forever. So, I guess my choice for today will be ...... (trumpet resounding)......

It is my anniversary!! Yep, 34 years of bliss(haha) well.... you know us.... anyway, for just being 2 kids(18 and 19) trying to make the best out of finding ourselves in a not so perfect situation, I declare us as.... winning! We have been through life's joys and sorrows in our years together. Now, we can both be difficult people I am sure(obviously Al is way more difficult than I, haha...... it is MY blog after all...), we have our issues..... he is loud... I am phobic.... he is excitable..... I am indecisive..... (no, I won't go on.... you can add your own in your head if ya wanna) ..... yeah, we bicker( I know some of you may think this is an understatement) , but I know there has never been a time when either of us didn't consider our promise to God and each other as a life long commitment. I just want it understood, that in no way can either of us take the credit for this longevity. It is Jesus all the way.... He is the perfection in our weaknesses. It is only in HIM that we can make each other stronger..... So, if you were to ask me how to make a marriage work... put JESUS in the center of it........ All in all, it has been a wonderful 34 years. I wouldn't change anything. 4 wonderful kids here, 1 precious "angel" in heaven that I can not wait to meet, 7 of the greatest grandkids around so far with more to come , my two oldest kids with wonderful spouses, my third ready to embark on a new life with a very sweet girl, and my youngest ready to fly the nest to pursue his dreams......... all shared with my high school sweetheart.... who knew...... Happy Anniversary to us!